Fighting rudness - tips

Rudeness Is Rampant    Pier Forni, PhD   Johns Hopkins University

In today's fast-paced, youth-oriented culture, ageism often results in rudeness to older people. To find out how to handle this type of rudeness, Bottom Line/Retirement spoke with Dr. Pier Forni, founder of the Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins University and the author of two books on civility and rudeness...

Why not just ignore rudeness? After all, it usually amounts to little more than a few ill-mannered words or a gesture.

Rudeness isn't trivial. It can cause stress, weaken self-confidence and harm relationships.By addressing rudeness head-on, you discourage this kind of behavior while building self-esteem and reducing stress. The key to addressing rudeness is to do it firmly but politely.

What should you do when someone talks loudly and slowly even though your hearing is perfectly normal?

Sooner or later, most older people encounter this type of behavior, which may be a misguided attempt at being very polite.

You might be tempted just to listen and say nothing about it, but that's usually a mistake. The other person may not realize that he/she is being ill-mannered. So politely inform the person that your hearing is good. But don't get angry or make accusations, which often leads to a stress-inducing argument.

Something like this usually works: "I appreciate your wanting to make sure that I hear everything you say, but I can assure you that my hearing is fine."

Assuming that you know nothing about technology, a store clerk talks to you as though you were a child. How do you set the clerk straight?

If you are technologically savvy, mention something to the clerk that gets this point across.
If you're buying a computer, for example, you might tell the clerk that your current machine has a Pentium dual-core processor with a 250-gigabyte hard drive. The clerk will get the message.

On the other hand, if you don't know much about the product you're buying, do some homework before shopping -- a strategy that makes sense at any age.

A maître d' seats you at an uncomfortable table in the back of the restaurant. Meanwhile, younger customers are given better tables up front. What is the best way to handle this?
Immediately tell the maître d' that you want another table. If the second table he suggests isn't better, ask to speak with the manager.

Tell the manager something like this: "We're here to enjoy our dinner, but that will be difficult at this table. We don't want to leave, but we'll have to if you can't help us get a better one."
Never be afraid to leave an establishment where you're not treated well. In this case, remember that you're paying the same prices that younger diners at the front tables pay. Sure, you may wind up having to go to another restaurant, but the inconvenience will probably be more tolerable than sitting through a meal at a table that you dislike.

According to the stereotype, older people often drive too slowly. So what should you do when you're driving at the speed limit but the driver behind you honks, flashes his lights or even tailgates?

Driving is one of the few occasions when you shouldn't confront a rude person. Rude drivers are often under stress, and confronting them can lead to an accident.

Instead, depersonalize the incident. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that the other driver would likely honk at any car that was driving at only the speed limit. In fact, the driver probably hasn't even noticed that you're older. So let him pass, and resist the temptation to curse or make a hand gesture, which risks escalating the incident into violence.

And don't equate honking with rudeness. The other driver may actually have an emergency and need to get around you. More likely, however, he's just having a bad day. (It happens to all of us.)

Incidents like this illustrate an important point: Happiness in life depends on being satisfied with our decisions -- not immediately after we make them, but later on when there's time to reflect. It might be immediately satisfying to curse or make a hand gesture, but on reflection, you'll almost certainly regret stooping to someone else's level or being rude yourself.

Today, e-mail from friends can be a major source of rudeness, typically in the form of forwarded messages with coarse jokes, political commentaries, etc. What's the best way of dealing with them?

Don't shy away from asking the sender -- either by e-mail or telephone -- to stop mailing these messages to you. Politely say that you appreciate the information but that you don't have time to read it. Then, if the sender is a friend, consider making a gracious gesture, such as saying that you would like to get together for lunch or coffee in the near future.
In fact, being considerate and civil can go a long way in preventing many types of rudeness.

 

 Most people you deal with will take that attitude as a cue to respond in kind.
For example, when you go to a restaurant, greet the maître d' with a warm smile and say something along these lines: "Tonight is a special occasion for us. We would really like the best table available." You'll almost always get a better table than if you entered the restaurant with a demanding look on your face.
Actually, just smiling can often prevent being slighted. If you're standing at a store counter and others are served first, for instance, tell the clerk, "I've been waiting for some time and just want to make sure that you know I'm here."

Be polite and smile when you speak. Smiling tells the other person that dealing with you will be a pleasant experience... that you want to build rapport, not start an argument.
If you have any doubts about the way others perceive your attitude, ask for an honest opinion from a close friend. All too often, we assume that we're polite and put on a pleasant face when we deal with strangers, but that's not always the case, especially in today's often stressful world. The opinion of a good friend can help you see yourself as others do.

--
Hollecrest & Associates Inc   -"Turnaround Consultants" http://www.ic.gc.ca/ccc/search/cp?l=eng&e=123456239975 .


Back to Eden communities
Sunridge -261 Oakhill Drive, Brantford
backtoeden.ontario@gmail.com
www.backtoeden.bravehost.com
"Building elder peer communities that are cozy,caring and comfortable" -quality 24/7 care