After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target store .
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of apple juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M & Ms
on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose...
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property
taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will
spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true?
Then send it anyway--you've got nothing to lose
--
The beauty of these tips for Males is that you normally only have
to do it once . Please feel free to share your shopping avoidance tips
with your brothers .
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